what hurts the most
by sadsadtree
Summary: Olivia got out alive from Lewis' hands. But no one knew what exactly happened, included Olivia herself. Any possible our favorite fighter will become the beast she'd always been fighting against? Or we all can be the evilest demon, once our darksides get free? Actually, we don't know Olivia Benson at all. (Warning: it's a dark dark dark story. AO on the way) Lewis killed E. sorry..
1. Chapter 1

**WHAT HURTS THE MOST**

* * *

**_We all live in a house on fire, no fire department to call, no way out._**

**_—Tennessee Williams_**

* * *

PROLOGUE

With a feeling of electric shock ran down her spine, Alex Cabot snapped her eyes open in her dark office. The shrill ringing coming from the ugly telephone, scared the hell out of her.

_Jesus Holy Christ…_

The luminous hands of her watch showed 3:25, though it even took her a couple seconds to figure out it was day or night.

_Right, great, midnight call._

Sleeping at home always brought her nightmares filled with all kinds of horrible way of her girlfriend being hurt and murdered, and tonight curling up in the small couch of her office, praying for some precious rest, she got this.

Exhaustion suddenly crawled up her body. Over a week, well, literally, it had been 11 days, since the last time she slept through a whole night.

Since, that night…

At the amazing night, she had her very first lesbian sex of her life. Well, honestly, there truly was some tiny cute awkwardness and nervousness between them, some silly drunk talking… but the unbelievable sympathy waving in the deepest ocean of their souls, had already been branded on her heart, which now only felt too bittersweet to recall. Though, they never got a chance to really talk about it. There never was a good time. She had to jump off the bed before sunrise, catching the early flight to L.A., and she got a perp named William Lewis to interrogate in the morning. The last thing she said her girlfriend before left her apartment, was just _I'm gonna save it for seducing you,_ after the brunette, naked, half awake, sexy messy hair, asking for a goodbye kiss from the bed, the place they just explored each other's mysterious body in.

_God…Why couldn't you just get your ass over and kiss her, telling her how much you love her, like a normal lover supposed to do?_

No matter how many times she beat herself up with this, the anger and guilt chewing on her heart never lessened.

Only God knew how much Alex longed to know the brunette's feelings, about their love making, about her, about the future… But now she didn't even know if she was alive.

If she never worked in the force, never knew the police work, the cops on this case would have told her in the first place that people who went missing for over 72 hours without any trace, would very likely turn out dead. However, all those bloody stories were what she kept hearing and seeing everyday when she was ADA Cabot.

Hope could be such a bitch, she gradually learned. Some part of her fragile heart, kinda cruelly expected that one day when she picked up a phone call, she might be told to see Olivia's body in the morgue.

Well, it wasn't cruel, but a relief.

Mentally and physically, the endless waiting was stabbing her a little bit deeper each day, other than that, she really doubted if there was a chance she would be able to love someone else again, even she survived this hell.

Once a fish saw a real ocean, it would never lay eyes on the aquarium anymore. And the woman called Olivia Benson was the veritable ocean to her, or perhaps the entire world was just an illusion, only existed when the brunette being around with her. Otherwise, how came this city felt so deserted and meaningless without her?

Losing the independence she was always proud of, and being kicked back into the independent life, she wondered which was worse.

Rubbing her sore eyes, she heard her new professional voice. "Ferrari Trading. What can I do for you?"

"Alex?"

The voice got her wide awake right away. "…Cragen?"

Heart froze in her chest.

_God...Here it is…_

With her breath holding, Cragen's words suddenly felt difficult to comprehend. All she heard was : _"We got her… alive… hurry… hospital… might not gonna make it…"_

She gripped tighter on the phone, as if preventing her softened knees from giving away.

_"…Alex? Hello?"_

Her voice came out oddly hollow. "Yes. And... Elliot?"

"He… Mmmm…He…"

* * *

**CHAPTER 1**

**AWAKE & AFRAID**

- ( Three Days Later ) -

Alex shut her eyes in the bright morning light, while her hand stopped before the curtains and the small window fully closed, despite every cell of her being was literally dying for showering with the sunshine, even there was no sensible heat in it, and despite her entire body wished the January wind could blow away all her tiredness and helplessness.

She hated how much this ICU room smelt like death.

There was no sound, no movement, other than the heart-monitor beeping, the breathing machine rising and falling… And the rhythm they made, was really hypnotic, which did nothing but set free all her old, new, good and bad memories from every corner of her heart. And some of them kept replaying and replaying, until her mind automatically filled all the blanks in every vivid way.

_…_

_"…She was brutally hitting his head with the balled-up iron chain, while the guy was cuffed to the bed. And Stabler had stopped breathing for a while."_

_"She said anything?"_

_"Said? She did not even felt like human when we found her. She was just screaming, and smashing the vic's head…"_

_"Excuse me. You call the beast 'vic'? She is the victim here!"_

_"Man, I said _**smash**_, because that guy's head was… literally a squashed watermelon. You know what I'm saying? And she did that under the witness of the entire rescue team."_

_"You mean you guys were just watching?!"_

_"We were running down the spiral staircase! We even fired warning shots. But she wasn't there. That was a killing machine, or some wild, cruel lioness attacking a pile of meat! She just didn't hear, or didn't care… despite being naked, covered in all kinds of blood, injuries… whatever, even death… She was using her last bit of life to strike…but she just didn't give a damn… Jesus…It was the most unbelievable, freaking crazy thing I've ever seen in my life!"_

_"She… did she resist when you subdued her?"_

_"She collapsed just before we got her."_

_"So… how does the evidence seem like, to the IAB? Any chance to try the insanity defense? Self-defense?"_

_"Look, Alex, I already said too much. We're even now. Sorry…"_

_"Ty! Please. She's one of you, a good cop! You know how things look like doesn't mean the truth. Please…"_

_"I don't know anything. All I know, is her vaginal epithelial cells also found on her dead partner's penis; her prints were all over the weapons; her teeth matched the bite wound on Lewis's carotid; and she smashed a man's face in front of the whole world…,"_

_"Her… what?!" Too much informations overwhelmed her._

_"We never met, and you owe me now, Alex. Take care. I'm sorry."_

_…_

That was the conversation between her and an old friend who worked on Olivia's case. No matter how many times she tried to process everything, it still felt impossible to believe. She wondered, and was too scared to wonder what on earth the beast had done to the brunette in those 11 days. What kind of ordeal had she been through made her do things like that?

"Hey, blondie."

Nurse Natalie Hill's calling brought her back to the present.

"Visiting time is 3 p.m. You know that." In the bright light, her pale green eyes with those unusual tiny pupils, felt even creepier.

Tucking a strand hair behind her ear, Alex nodded. "I'm leaving. Oh, how's she doing today?"

"You only left for, like, 6 hours, lady. And my shift just started five minutes ago. Yes, as her record said, no change."

"But Doctor Reed said he is reducing the painkiller dosage to wake her up."

"Give her some time, would ya? C'mon. Time to go, please."

Taking another look at her girlfriend lying in the hospital bed, whose face still shockingly bruised and pale, Alex gently touched one of her fingers, and bent down to her ear side. "Hey, you know what? Nurse Zombie Eyes caught me, again. Yeah, she's really a pain in my ass now… I know… You have another dream and I'll be back... But if you feel like sleep enough, please wake up to me, ok? I missed you… Bye, sweetheart."

"Come on." Zombie Eyes tapped her foot on the floor impatiently.

"One last question. How's the injury on her back doing? She always lies on her back. So…"

"She can only lie on her back. Told you before. Broken collarbones and ribs, are more tricky."

"I mean, it could increase the risk of infections, right?"

"We are making every effort to prevent. Though, to be honest, that is most likely to happen. That's why she's on high-dose antibiotics. Now, please leave. You're getting me into trouble."

"Ok, ok." Grabbing her purse, Alex walked to the door.

"What?" Her foot stopped tapping, as Alex suddenly froze in the middle of the room.

_Mmmm_…

With another barely audible moan coming from the bed, Alex turned around.

"Olivia?"

Her heart nearly stopped as she came to the bedside, meeting those beloved brown eyes. "Hey, Liv… You heard me, didn't you?"

Those colorless lips cracked open, but no sound came out.

Natalie ordered. "Call Doctor Reed." And she got Olivia's attention. "Olivia, do not try to speak. You have a breath tube in your throat, ok? You're in the hospital."

She looked confused.

"No, don't move." Natalie stopped her patient's raising attempt. "You just woke up from 3 days' coma. You understand me? If you do, give me a blink."

It took her a moment, before her eyes blinked slowly.

Meeting the young nurse's smile, Alex suddenly felt those dead eyes weren't that annoying.

"Good. Now I'm gonna check on your lungs. If things go well, your doctor will take the tube out, so you can talk. Isn't that good? Well, my stethoscope might be a little cold, sorry for that. You ready?"

She got sleepy already.

Not sure it was a blink yes or her patient was just falling back into sleep, Natalie gently pulled down the cover, exposing most of her upper body. "I need to loose your clothes a little bit, and get my hand underneath for a second, ok?"

As all the burn marks on her side neck exposed, followed by those dark, striking fingermarks, followed by heavy bandages and a clavicle-brace wrapping around both her shoulders and armpits… Alex felt her scalp got numb.

_God..._

That was when she found she had come to the doorway, standing with her back to the room. She could hear clearly every word the doc said to Olivia, as well as his every step of examination… though, she just couldn't take the images anymore.

She felt sick, sick and beyond angry.

Although none of these injuries was new to her: Open collarbones fractures, four ribs broken, vagina and anal tears, ripped nails, bruises, burnt, cut… but seeing them with her own eyes was literally a whole new heart stabbing pain.

Suddenly she hoped that the beast hadn't died too quickly. Even she wished he hadn't died, so she could end him with her bare hands.

"Miss Cabot? I think she's asking for you."

"Yes." Her choking tone surprised her, as she sniffed and wiped on the eyes.

"Hey, sleepy head." She came to the bedside, finding they had taken out the breath tube out, and put a nasal cannula in her nose. "How are you feeling?"

Olivia lifted her eyelids slowly. Her pupils shrank in the light. "A- Alex?" Her voice was so hoarse.

"Yes, I'm right here. How are you feeling?" She smiled, thumb caressing on her girl friend's palm so gently as if it was her treasure.

"What time.. is it?"

"9:30. You just had the longest sleep in your life. You know that?"

"I… sick?"

Alex's heart tightened. "No, you're injured." And she watched those brown eyes closed.

Doctor Reed gently patted on Alex's arm. "It's normal. Her nerves need time to be fully functional. Don't worry. C'mon, let's get out. Looks like she could use some rest. And we'll run some tests later today."

"Ok. Can I have a word with you?"

"Sure."

Just as Alex raising up, she felt a slight squeeze on her hand. She squeezed back gently. "Sorry, Liv. I have to go now, but I'll be back in hours. Ok?"

The brunette reopened her eyes. "Please, could you turn on some light?"

"What?"

Looking back and forth between the sunny window and Olivia's face, Alex felt her blood froze.

(TBC)

* * *

How do you feel about this story? Yes, Olivia was blind. But it is just beginning. What the hell happened between EOA and the beast?

You guys want to Elliot to die or not?

Oh, and the aftermath... I'm afraid that Olivia will be in big trouble... like... prison?

Plz R & R!


	2. Chapter 2

God, I can't believe you guys wrote me so much kindness ! Thank you ~~~~

I'm sorry for killing Elliot, but the story between he and Olivia is not over yet. I'll show it to you in the future chapters.

So, the basic philosophy of this fiction, is call "peep from the gaps". I won't just let out everything so easily. I prefer to reveal them bit by bit, hide and seek, hard to get :) (I know i'm evil...)

Enjoy!

* * *

CHAPTER 2

BROKEN & BRAVE

_**-In the parking lot of the hospital-**_

_**-****Afternoon****-**_

"Alex?"

She couldn't help but stop her steps and sigh in relief, as a familiar voice came from behind.

They hugged. "So nice to see you, George."

The FBI psychiatrist gave a gentle pat on Alex's back, feeling her emotion. He knew what the long embrace meant. He was the only one knew the things between Olivia and her. The happiness written all over her face when she told him about being in love with Olivia, was still as vivid as yesterday. "How are you holding up?"

She leaned away with a long breath. "I'm… holding up." Though, her smile faded quickly. "Sorry to call you in such a rush. IAB just didn't give her a breath. Yesterday morning she came to, and dinner time they said the meeting was settled today."

"I already said it's ok. I'd love to be her therapist. Don't worry, Alex, we're gonna get through this together."

"Thank you so much, George… She's lucky to have you."

"C'mon, don't say this. Tell me about her condition."

Alex took a breath. "Ok. So, she lost her sight. Both eyes have no light perception. And she kinda got amnesia."

"As I told you yesterday, I believe her eyesight problem is caused by the concussion or hypoxia ischemic brain damage. You said she stopped breathing for a while in the surgery. Brain damage may ensue in as little as three minutes."

Alex nodded. "Yeah, her doctor said the same. But what concerns me the most, is her mental state. George, she's losing it."

"Tell me."

"It started…" She thought for a second about where to start. "When she first came to, she thought Elliot is still her partner and this year is 2010… which makes me…"

He felt her pain, as sorrow filling those blue eyes. "Makes you just a friend to her?… That must be tough."

A sad smile crossed her face. "I'm just… not used to her being so offish and…," she took a deep breath, looked away, not willing to cry in public. "Anyway, how can I complain? She survived. And it is not my place to be sentimental. I still keep recalling the way she asked about Elliot for the first time." She eyed back on him. "She said: Where's Elliot? Undercover? …God, she is expecting his presence…"

"And how did you answer that?"

"I couldn't lie, so I just dodged."

"How did she react?"

"Good thing is she's not fully lucid… Gee, 'good thing'…" She pulled down her glasses, pinching the bridge of her nose. "She's very weak, still. Could hardly keep awake like, 10 minutes. But also could be the drug..."

"So, how much is she aware of?"

"We only told her, she's injured. And she didn't throw questions." She shook her head. "What she said is scary enough, though. You should see that look on Nick's face when she asked him: Do I know you?"

"I think it's still too early for her brain to take stress."

"I agree. But George, time is ticking. IAB is circling around like some predator, waiting for snatching juicy meat."

"I know. This case is getting big. The press has made enough pressure to the 1PP. Even… Rumors say a NYPD detective kidnapped the suspect she couldn't take down by the system, and after being caught by her underground lover, she killed them both."

"What?!"

"Easy, Alex. You know how William Lewis slipped through Olivia's fingers not once but twice. There's got to be someone gets hold of this as a scandal of NYPD. They just live on this shit."

"But what if her memory is gone forever?…"

Huang put a hand on the blond's elbow. "Things might be not so bad as we think. It's possible that those memories are only buried. When a traumatic experience got too painful to take, the human brain will seal it deeply in mind. Come on, time to see her. Maybe we'll find out."

* * *

When they came to the door, her nurse Natalie Hill was just coming out with a medication cart. "Oh, Hi, Alex."

"Hi Natalie. Is she awake?"

"She is. And thank God you're here. It's the first time we change her bandages while she's awake. It is painful, and scared her. You know, all those wounds, bruises… you questioned everything. I can't, and I don't really know anything! You take over. I'm soooo done."

"Why didn't give her some painkiller?"

"She refused."

"I'm sorry. Hm, thanks…" Though, the nurse had walked away before Alex finished.

Swallowed hard, Alex took a nervous look on the shorter man on her side.

"How long do we have before the IAB shows up here?" He said.

Alex glanced at her watch. "Maybe not more than half hour."

He mouthed "it's ok", before pushing the door open.

"Hey, Liv." Huang smiled, making every effort to not to show any sadness or shock on his face.

"George?" The brunette turned her head towards the way his voice came from.

"Yes, it's me."

"And me." Alex found herself started getting use to make every action audible.

They came to her bedside.

Huang dropped his eyes, finding those brown eyes were just moving with the sound, but never made eye contact with him. "How are you doing today? Are you in pain?" He noticed her shallow breath and sweaty hairline.

"A little. But no more drugs. I need to stay clear." She sounded like just ran a marathon.

Alex took a tissue from the nightstand, bending down. "Liv, let me wipe your forehead…"

"No." Her rejection was cold.

Alex froze, and stepped back, changing a look with Huang.

Though, Olivia broke the silence first. "What happened to me?"

The questions followed with another silence, as Huang wondering where to begin. "Olivia, what was the last thing you remember before waking up in here?"

She closed eyes. "I… It's not 2010, is it?" She answered with another question.

"No, it's 2013. October 15th." He said slowly.

Alex watched the brunette's eyes reopening in shock. Though, her voice was still calm. "So, any change in my life? I'm still a cop?"

Huang gently covered his hand with hers. "Yes, you're still a perp busting; still live in the same apartment, 4D; still as brave and badass as always."

An unnoticeable smile flashed on the corner of her mouth. "Thanks, George. But anything different?… Who is that **_Nick_**?"

Alex sighed, "Nick Amaro is your partner, Liv. Elliot put in his papers in 2011 after… a tough case."

There was a long while the brunette didn't breath. Her eyeballs moved back and forth quickly, as if searching desperately in her blank memory. "H- Why…I, don't remember this?…tough case, how tough? Did he get shot?"

"No, he…shot an underage girl. It was a good shot, but, he couldn't take it." Alex said as calmly as she could. Deep down, she felt she couldn't hate this reliving session more…

"A good shot… Then why I didn't convince him to stay? I just, let him go?"

God, this thing is getting cruel. "You… He, he left abruptly, didn't say goodbye to anybody… I'm sorry, Liv."

"Even… me?" Her lips trembled. "Answer me."

It worried Alex. She put a hand on Olivia's elbow. "Liv, calm down. If you keep being so emotional, we probably have to end this conversation."

"He didn't…" Her teary eyes filled with disbelief, hurt and anger.

"Olivia, listen to me." Huang said in his professional calmness. "All these things were long gone. Remember you have already gotten over with it. It was your past we are filling you in." He let the words sinking, watching her face gradually cooled down. "What's gone is gone. No one can change nothing. …It's not worth your tears, Olivia. You're over this."

It seemed worked. Though her tears still kept running down, Olivia started to breath as deep as her painful ribs allowed. "So, he left. And then what?"

"He moved to san francisco,…left his medallion and a mini badge for you. And you clipped the mini badge on the bottom of your gun." Alex said, still gently caressing Olivia's elbow with her thumb. "Since then, you two seemed lost contact. And you don't like people talk about him."

"K… So that's how I moved on." Another wave of tears poured down her cheeks. She pulled herself together with that. "And then what, I'm obviously not married, right?"

It brought a smile on the blond's face. "No, you married to your job, remember?"

"Then you have her."

Alex almost flinched, quickly mouthed "no" to Huang.

"Her?" Her eyes turned to him a little.

Though he continued. "Alex came back from the WPP, you helped her find a new job. And then you two…" he changed a look with Alex, who seemed really nervous now. "…kinda got close."

Alex felt her heart froze. The look on her girlfriend's face was unreadable. _Surprise? Disappoint?_

"Sorry, I don't remember."

Her only reply stabbed Alex's heart.

"It's ok, sweetie." Words slipped out, getting her even more awkward. _Could you please don't call her that?_

"So I got a new partner, Nick. Nick what?"

"Nick Amaro. He's a good partner, Latino, a father of two. And another new detective, Amanda Rollins, from Atlanta, a pretty blondie, who has a sister. They love you very much, Liv."

She frowned, dropping her eyelids with a sigh. "I… I feel like you're telling me someone else's story. God… What the hell happened to my brain?"

"Olivia, your heart stopped beating for a moment in the surgery, which could cause amnesia." Huang took a glance over the clock on the wall.

"I died?" Her eyes reopened, and they were hollow.

Alex hated the D word came from her mouth. "Technically, yes, for a while. You scared the hell out of us, you know that?"

"Sorry…" She leaned to that concern voice. "So, I could've died, but, Elliot hasn't come to see me?"

"Liv…" Alex looked away, even awaring those brown eyes were blind, she still couldn't take that heartbreaking stare.

"What did I do to make him hate me so m-?"

"Olivia," the blond stopped her muttering, "you really don't remember?" Two voices were debating in her mind, of which might hurt her more: Elliot hating her or Elliot died in front of her. "You were with him, when he…died." Before she knew it, she had said it out.

Death grey crawled up Olivia's face, as those words dropped like a bomb, sending the whole room to a deafening quiet. "What… did you say...?"

"Olivia, try to think about an abandoned factory. Think hard…" Huang carefully encouraged. "Do you recall? A big empty room, in the basement… there's a bed, an iron table… some rusted iron hooks on the wall…"

Suddenly, a waft of blood smell slammed her face, as a loud screaming piercing through her head. "Ah! I can't… my head… hurts." She was almost begging. "Please, just tell me, what happened to him…Ah…"

"Ok, ok, Olivia, easy, take a breath… Actually, we don't know." He hated to push her, but he knew they were running out of time.

"You don't know? What does that mean…" Her body was shaking slightly. "Tell me, everything. Now." The last word said in clenching teeth.

"Olivia, this case is getting worse and worse. Three people involved, you're the only one survived. The IAB is gonna be here in any minute, taking your statement. Now, all the evidences are against you."

"Three?… included Elliot?… He died because of me?"

"Olivia," Huang got her attention back, "follow the logic and think like a detective. Don't arouse your emotion. Your body couldn't take it. You understand? Because we need to get some things done before the IAB shows up. You don't want to be caught completely unprepared, do you?"

She let out a shaky breath. "Thank you, George. Yes. I want to know… what happened. I'm ok." Her eyes felt like the original Detective Benson now.

Huang started. "Okay. First of all, I brought some paperworks." He pulled his briefcase, taking out a folder. "Sign this, I will be your therapist and Alex will be your lawyer, officially."

Olivia widened eyes.

Alex softened her tone. "Liv, yes, things are really bad now. It's time to get a legal psychological assessment, which could be used on the court, and a good lawyer. So, here we are."

"I, uh, no, I appreciate, but… I'll owe you guys too much… I can't…"

**_'You guys'_**… Alex breathed out the pain, continued. "Olivia, if you don't sign these, then we have no right to be here to watch your back, when the IAB question you about everything. Once you step in their trap, you'll be facing jail! You don't belong there."

Olivia felt her heart couldn't help but melt in their warmth."I don't know what to say. Thanks…"

Huang put everything back in the briefcase, after Olivia done signing. "Good. You're not alone, Liv. We got your back."

"What if I don't worth your trust? I don't even remember any of these." She whispered.

Alex raised voice a little. "Olivia. Maybe you killed that beast, which the whole world knows he deserved it! But you didn't, no way you would kidnap him, or Elliot…I don't believe any shit the rumor says."

"Rumors… George, um, where were we?" She was beyond tired now, though, she knew this thing was now or never.

"So, does William Lewis sound familiar to you?" Huang asked.

She thought for a second. "No. Who's he?"

Alex felt her heart twisted. _Isn't good that not remembering this beast?_

"He is a suspect involved multiple rape and murder cases. You arrest him twice but didn't manage to get a conviction. In order not to induced you, I could only say, based on the evidences, you and Lewis had some struggle or fight in your apartment. After that, you two somehow ended up in an abandoned factory." Huang watched Olivia's expression carefully, though, none of these seemed to ring a bell.

"Go on." Her voice was creepy calm.

"When we found you, 11 days after you went missing, you were covered in blood, attacking William Lewis with a balled up iron chain, in the basement, and Elliot was dead on the ground, with, a knife sticking into his stomach. The autopsy indicated, that you killed Lewis. And your prints are all over the knife, as well as all the other weapons found there."

Out of nowhere, a lot of fragmentized flashbacks overwhelmed her, sending a screaming pain to her brain. "Ahhhh…" Her hands jerked up immediately, but the sling and heavy bandages had tied her both arms firmly to each side of her body.

"Olivia! Don't move your arms! Doctor! We need a doctor here!"

"No! I can… Gimme a sec…" She bit on the lower lip, praying for the pain to pass. "I saw, I saw a ceiling… musty ceiling…and creaking…creaking bed…" Suddenly, her eyes snapped open. "I was raped, right?"

( T B C )

* * *

How's this chapter? For me, I like the way Olivia relived Elliot's sudden departure. Wow. You guys want to see their conversation in the basement?

Please R & R! :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you for all your kind words, which made me really want to write more and faster.**

**Ok. Here comes the new chapter. **

**Warning: this chap will be a little bit scary. Hope you like it:) **

* * *

**CHAPTER 3**

_**-53 days later-**_

"Finally… God, my fucking knees are killing me!" Officer Manuel Ramos was trying to catch his breath after finally climbing up the stairs, spotting the apartment 4D on the end of the hall.

His younger partner Daniel Goodman pulled out a key from his pocket, speaking backward to the coming up steps over his shoulder. "Your knees, huh? Not the blind pain in your ass?"

_It was intentional to speak so loud._ Supporting Olivia's leaning weight, Alex felt her back sweat up in anger. But Olivia stopped her just before she snapped. "Where are we?"

Alex bit it down, bowing her head. That pair of handcuffs on Olivia's wrists looked so tight and heavy that hurt her heart. "Third and a half." Eyed up, taking just one look at the brunette, who still seemed weak and pale, and had rested twice all the way up to the third floor, Alex's anger replaced by heartache. She was clearly aware that Olivia didn't really need to ask. Ever since her eye-sight lost, her hearing, as well as her other senses, had been getting more and more sensitive.

_"Hey, hurry up!"Ramos hissed impatiently from where he stood. "You ladies need a hand there? My partner can lift her straight up to her bed, you know?"_

_"The fuck, man? You want her crying rape or me end up a meat pie?"_

_"Come on, Danny-boy, you're not even big enough to be her cup of tea."_

_Snickers…_

"_Fuck you!"_

_"I'm just talking about your fucking hight, ok?"_

Alex couldn't take it anymore. "Hey, shit-fed losers! Just shut up and go mind your own business if your records aren't so virgin clean! I still am a lawyer, remember?!"

_"Counselor, what did you say to her probation officers, huh?"_

Olivia shook her head. "Alex, leave it."

But for their walking away, Alex definitely would have snapped something more. "God, I hate these fuckers." She squeezed eyes shut.

"Let it go."

Guilt pinched Alex's heart. "Look what we ended up. I could've done better…"

"Plz, Alex, for the last time, it's not your fault. You already did everything you could, and did well. I could've ended up in jail, if it was't for you." She said, feeling the blonde kept shaking her head.

"No… I never should've have let you take that deal."

"C'mon, it was either killing in passion or second degree murder. You already worked miracles to… prove that I was kidnapped not a kidnapper."

The way she said proved somehow made Alex uncomfortable. "You were kidnapped and assaulted."

"Yeah… whatever."

Alex narrowed eyes. "What was that?"

"Nothing. I just…" She turned away from that burning staring. It was odd that without sight, she still felt all kinds of look people gave to her. "Sometimes it feels like someone else's case even, you know, I take whatever the evidence said… Imagine one day you wake up to be a killer."

"Everyone in that case would do the same."

"You can't say that. You don't know, I don't know, neither does anyone…, except…" Her face clouded.

She knew it was "except for Elliot. A name now hurt too much to be said.

"Let's go. I just want to go home."

When came to the doorway, Olivia smelt cigarette, which oddly turned her stomach right away.

Holding his cigarette with lips, Officer Manuel Ramos uncuffed his prisoner, while his eyes never left Olivia's face. "What? Smoking turned you on?" He half flirted, blowing a stream of smoke to her face.

"Hey, you," Alex retaliated, "watch our." Once Olivia's shaky wrists got free, she quickly led the visibly sickened brunette away.

They stopped beside the couch. "Here we go… Sofa is right in front of your feet."

Olivia sat down slowly with Alex's help. Her movement was still stiff, due to her aching shoulders and ribs.

"You want me to take it off? And your coat?" She asked as Olivia pulling her scarf a little bit loose.

She rejected quickly. "Oh, no. I'm fine."

Alex withdrew her hands, catching the sudden tension of Olivia's hand. _Yeah, no way she's gonna expose any scar to these men._

"Okay, so you have a rest here. I go open the windows. It's too stuffy here."

However, the new blind hobbit kicked in fast. She carefully explored her surroundings, helping her brain to rebuild the sense of space and distance.

_No dust on the coffee table? She must clean everything… A tissue box, remote, mug… Thank you so much, Alex…_

_And that noise coming from her kitchen, sounded like drill and… welding?_

Yeah, setting alarm… great, ugly holes on my kitchen wall. Though she laughed it off right away. Out of sight, out of mind… but her mind slipped to her case files quickly. _"No force entry…but struggles, blood, furnitures turned and broken…"_

_Stop it. Stop._ She forced down a wave of sickness.

_The smell…_

_Bleach? Yes, definitely bleach…for the blood._

"Hey, water is coming." Alex came back. "Here you go…" she gently caught Olivia's hand, guiding it to the glass.

"How long… um, it took you to clean up everything?" She slowly inclined the glass, until her upper lip touched the liquid, swallowed a big mouth of coldness.

"Well," glancing around, still spotting some prints-powder on the window-frames, stains on the carpet… Alex suddenly felt blessed that Olivia wouldn't see them. "Not that long. Don't worry."

Before Olivia said more, that younger officer Daniel Goodman's came over. "Ok, Benson, listen up. I only say the rules once, and if you break any of them, I throw your blind ass into jail. You hear me?"

She put down her drink, nodded.

"Are you mute?"

"Hey," Alex had already his view by standing between him and Olivia, "technically, tomorrow is when she starts to serve her term."

His pupils shrank in anger right away, refocusing on the tall woman's face. "Technically, here is the prison, where I am the one in charge!"

"Yes, of course. I'm just curious about where did you get this ridiculous patronizing."

"You say it again?" Suddenly, the young man's face reddened. "Who the hell are you? I move one finger and you are fucking out of here."

"Who the hell are you? I got a court order to stay here, looking after her!"

"Court order is bull, sweetie. I find a tiny little marijuana in here and you're screwed. You wanna try me? Go ahead. "

The young officer breathed with a smirk, as Alex went speechless. He giggled, pointing Olivia with his chin. "Hey, blind, you're fucking her, aren't ya?"

Olivia grabbed on Alex's coat, before she snapped. "Alex, I, uh… I think George is still waiting for your call. Do you mind saying hello for me?"

Dropping her eyes, Alex Cabot pressed her lips together. The messages couldn't be more clear. Yes, this man was an ass, but he was right. A wise prisoner never challenges the guard.

The elder officer Ramos dropped his cigarette-butt, moving his fat body over. "C'mon, counselor, wait outside. Don't worry. We call him goodman for reasons. You know."

She knew she had to leave. "I, um, just in the doorway. K?"Alex said with a squeeze on Olivia's hand.

"K. I got this." Olivia breathed in relief, hearing Alex's high-heels walking away.

"Great. Just you and me, convict." As the door closed, the shorter man stepped closer. "Don't you think you need to apologize to me?"

Olivia rubbed her face with both hands, hiding her eyeballs rolling. "Sorry."

"For what?"

"For…" she guessed, "…her not being respectful to you."

"No, no, no. Not her." His tone turned playful.

That made her feel being toyed. "So… it was me. I…"

He interrupted. "Where's your manner?! I call you convict, and you call me sir." Spotting Olivia's fisting hands, sent a pleasure to his heart.

"Yes, sir. Sorry, sir, for… costing your time." Good thing was, she heard his satisfaction.

"That's right, convict. You know what? I like tagging your people. Rapist, murderer, pedophile, swindler… different scum, different fun. But you…" He bent down, eyes scanning inch by inch on the Olivia's face. "Damn. What a pair of wonder woman's eyes… too upright and innocent to belong to someone killed her 11 years partner."

As he leaned backward, Olivia let out the breath she'd been holding. "I didn't-"

"Of course…" He laughed. "You only fucked him and got a dumb-ass to do the dirty job. What was he to you? Fuck Buddy? No? Guess he dumped you, didn't he? Broke your heart?… Anyway, you two must have a long ass juicy history, I bet."

_So, that's what people think?_

It rubbed salt into the most hidden wound on her heart, which she thought it had been getting numb, but obviously she was wrong. "Sir, do I need to wear a monitor or something like that?"

"You don't even care, do ya?"

His disdain blew to her face irritatingly. _What is this humiliation for?_ _I know you're the boss._ However, she only felt too tired to fight back.

Her silence brought a sickened smirk to Goodman's face. "Alright… whatever between the three of you. Cops see the sex-crime unit as a fire house for good reasons, and you, you stayed there for too damn long… So, what kind of psycho are you now? Bisexual? Masochism or sadism? " He spit, taking out a metal wristlet. "Don't tell me. I don't want to know. Lift your leg."

She did what was told.

"You know what is waiting for a dirty cop in prison?" He said, while put the wristlet on Olivia's ankle. "That's why you're gonna love this little bling-bling. Okay. One step out of your front door, or any attempt to break it, take it off, that device on your kitchen wall goes off. Once it goes off for over 30 seconds, I'll be here, and you'll be in prison. Anyone, except for that hot lawyer, dares to walk in this apartment without my written approval, you'll be in prison. If you need to see your shrink, or go to hospital, must report to me in advance, wait for me to take you, otherwise-"

"I'll be in prison. Got it…" She put back down her foot as soon as he finished. That rough hand keeping touch the skin on her ankle was getting unbearable.

"Good. And don't be surprised if I show up at the midnight. I know you must be good at hiding things."

"I won't do that… Sir."

He smiled at what she added at the end of her sentence. "You better not. Now get up and walk to the front door, until the alarm goes off."

It was for testing. She knew. Hands on the coffee table, she leaned forward and rose to her feet carefully.

"What are you waiting for?"

Froze like a statue, Olivia kept blinking, and slowly reached a hand out when the man's shadowy figure suddenly appeared in her vision.

* * *

_**-Late Night-**_

"Alex, really. I think my bed is big enough and this couch is hard like hell. Gonna hurt your neck. Trust me." Olivia said, holding a pillow in arms.

"I just… don't want to make you feel uncomfortable." Something better be left unsaid. She already felt how much it would hurt to spend the night so close and so far with this brunette.

"You won't. And you've spent too many nights in the small chair when I was in hospital. So please…I already owe you too much."

"Fine… Then. But just for the record, You don't owe me anything." Alex smiled, taking back the pillow from Olivia's hands.

"K…" She whispered, hand reaching to the blond. "Thanks, for so much you've done for me."

"You've said this too much, silly. C'mon, why don't you take a shower and enjoy a real bed?" She held her hand, leading their way to the bathroom.

"Yeah, finally…God I miss my bed."

"Even it is whole new?"

"Whole new? What do you mean?" Olivia stopped, when her hand touched the doorframe of bathroom.

"It means new mattress, bedclothes, comforters, pillows… I know you love the old ones but-"

"Oh, Alex…" She knew why she did all these right away, which moved her heart very deeply. "I…I don't know how to thank you."

"Then just shut up and turn around, if you want me to take off the slings."

Olivia did so, feeling her heart trembled at how gentle the blond's touches were. "And the shirt also. Please?" She said after Alex hanging the X-shaped shoulders slings on the side wall.

"Sure." Her heart beat a pleasure beat feeling the trust. "Seriously, how's your shoulders?"

"Let me see…" She slowly raised arms. "…Higher than yesterday? Ah!… maybe sideway?" Her upper-arms stopped shakily in the air, barely higher than her shoulders.

"Well, not bad. It looks… yes."

Eyes rolled, Olivia eased her clenching teeth and put back down her arms. "Okay, that's a no. Damn, you asked too often, Mom."

They chuckled, as the blond gently unbuttoned Olivia's shirt and took it off.

The second she was naked, Alex escaped her eyes away. "Alright. You enjoy here. I go get the bed ready and prepare your meds. Need anything, just yell. Ok?"

"Yes, Mom." Olivia said with a baby voice, but as the door closing, she wiped her eyes.

_God, Alex… why treat me so kindly?_

This odd and guilty relationship began to add weight on her heart. They weren't on the same page, she knew, which also irritated her the most, because every time she felt the forced friend-treatment and safe-distance coming from Alex Cabot, she could clearly taste the bitterness.

Back to the root, it was the stupid amnesia.

She had tried so many ways, to stimulate the scars, self-hypnosis… but no. None of them really worked. It felt as helpless as some part of her brain got cut out.

_She knew that might because she was afraid of those memories deep down._

_..._

_"Why take the deal, Olivia? The prosecution will definitely maximize the sentence. You know that?!"_

_"I'm facing the charge of murder, Alex. What if…"_

_"So we gotta fight! You're the victim here. You deserve justice!"_

_"You don't know…"_

_"Jesus Christ… Don't you ever say that shit ever again."_

_…_

The rest of the conversation didn't matter. She only remembered the blood-freezing fear growing in her gut when they talked about getting on court.

She feared being exposed to those bloody evidences; feared knowing about all the details of Lewis's body, Elliot's body, and her own… her greatest fear, was being proved that she killed, killed Elliot. That would instantly put out the last tiny little light in her soul, send her to the hell.

Something better be left unknown.

Now, hearing the sound of hot water filling tub, Olivia couldn't help but start to search her messy memories again.

Here, this apartment, bedroom, living room…

Nothing.

Whatever appeared in her mind was just her imaginations, based on hundreds of crime scenes she'd seen in her career, and all the scars on her body, matched all the records of her case file…

Only one thing beyond clear, which was Alex must have taken a hell of a long time to clean up the worst disgusting mess she'd seen in her life.

The next minute, her fingers found the light-switch on the wall.

She hadn't been turning any light in any room for a long time, but now she got her old hobbit back.

She wanted, needed to see. See something, anything. Since that shocking moment she saw the light and figures with her blurry eyes, the urge to be in front of a mirror was getting more and more uncontrollable. And the urge came from every scar and aching place on her body, where had been caressed back and forth for a hundred times, been cursed and cried for a thousand times. She wondered if that was why her eyes started to regain the sight back.

Blinked, looked down at her palms, she felt her vision got even better than hours ago.

So, here she was, in front of the mirror, eyes closed, heart stopped. Anyway, within a minute, she met her reflection.

There.

The first thing she noticed, was how much weight she had lost and her much longer hair.

She wiped her face out of the foggy mirror.

So, for the first time, she saw those long-ass scars along her collarbones. 5 inches maybe? Seem so much longer than they feel like…

Her hands couldn't help but reach to touch them. Yes, she recognized the pain, and feeling amazed by how fast the tactual map in her head got visualized.

That was when her cop instinct kicked in. As she wiping the mirror up and down, her eyes read her body like an open book. Good. A game called "wounds-identify" started.

From surgery, bite, cigarette burn, key burn, liquid burn, knife, scissors?… And here it was. One of the mysteries she always wanted to know.

The oval-shaped burn scar on her side-thigh.

She turned, lowered her body a little bit…but no, it seemed just like a red scar. And, wait. Something in it? She moved, but couldn't get any closer to the mirror, and also it hurt to crouch, bend down, or raise her thigh that high…

Shit!

Looking around, Olivia grabbed the powder box from the counter, flipped open, and put the tiny mirror near her thigh.

This time, she saw it, and felt fires filling her chest.

4

0

1

5.

4015.

_It's your badge number, Benson._

With the thought turned into words in her mind, nausea hit her stomach. But it wasn't over. Just as she pressing on her stomach, taking a deep breath, something in the mirror caught her eyes.

_What's on my back?_

Very slowly, she turned…

…

With a mug in hand, Alex yawned and walked past the bathroom. _Two comforters or one?_ She still wondered which one was more awkward.

Suddenly,

_Wait. Lights?_

She halted her steps.

Recently she was finally getting use to Olivia using the bathroom without lights.

"Liv?"

Turned around, Alex couldn't help but move her curious steps to the frosted glass door. "Liv, you need anything?" That was when her toes felt the wetness.

Looking down, she saw water on the floor which was still spilling out through the door.

_Oh, no._

* * *

Doctor George Huang was about to turn off the lamp and go to sleep, when his cellphone went off on the night stand.

He rubbed his eyes. _Cabot?_ Bad feelings climbed up.

"Hey, Alex."

_"Hi, George. I, I'm sorry to wake you up."_

"No, I'm still up." He sat straight right away, noticing how urgent she sounded. "Is everything ok?"

A heavy sigh came before her voice. _"It's Olivia. I think…she's kinda regaining eye-sight."_

"Oh, that is great." It surprised him, for he sort of expected something bad due to her voice.

_"Yeah, but she didn't admit. She's hiding it."_

"How did you know that? I mean her eyes. Alex, slow down. You sound pretty shaky. What happened?"

_"Okay… here's the thing. I saw her taking a bath with lights on, which might be the first time since. You know. So I went to check up on her, and found her lying on the floor, unconscious. She didn't get hurt. But when I tried to cover her with a robe, she woke up… and…God. George, it scared me."_ She took a breath. _"Her eyes looked straightly at me, but they were… not hers."_

"Not hers? You mean…?"

_"They belong to… to someone else. A man. …And, and even her voice…also was a man… God. I know how ridiculous I sound now."_

"Hold on." The doctor already got on his feet. "Her voice? What did she say?"

_"She said… 'who are you? ' And called me, 'sunshine'."_

Through the line, he knew she was crying. "I'm sorry… but anything else? Take a breath, Alex, I need you to tell me everything."

"_She pulled me closer, and kissed me…roughly. It got me scared, confused. I-I tried to push apart, to get away…and she, she bit my lip, before, passed out again… Anyway, I didn't know what to do. So I just waited there, sitting on the ground, holding her, thinking about where's my phone and who to call, 911 or you… though, before I knew it, she came to. And this time, she was herself again. She…" _Alex choked up._ "…She acted like she was so ashamed, even hurt, of being naked in front of me. So, I ran as fast as I could, after handing her the rope. And when she got out, was a long while later. She was quiet, expressionless, walked directly to the bed…"_

"How's she doing now?"

_"I don't know. Faking sleep, I guess."_

"Alex, I think she has seen her body and recalled some awful things. You gotta keep an eye on her. I'll try to see you as soon as passible."

_"Ok, thank you, George… What do you think? Is, is this schizophrenia or something?"_

"Too early to say. I need to see her before-"

_"Hold on a sec…I'll call you back."_

Huang frowned, as she cut the line.

_What's now?_

And within a minute, his phone lit up again.

"Alex?"

_"…George,"_ she was whispering in a shaky voice. _"… she, she was in the living room now, facing the window, muttering."_

"You called her?"

_"Y-Yes, but she didn't,… I feel…she's not here."_

"Could you get closer and tell me what she's saying?"

_"Okay…"_

He held breath, hearing Alex's shallow gasps.

_"She... keeps saying, '**it's just a cat. A bunch of meat. It's nothing…'** George. I'm scared."_

* * *

_(TBC)_

**you like it?**

**What the hell happened to Olivia? What did she remember? **

**Please review~~~ **


End file.
